Mayor-Elect Zohran Mamdani Announces Bold Plan to Turn New York City into ‘Communist Paradise’ — Free Bagels for All (Except Billionaires)
NEW YORK — In a surprise move that had landlords clutching their rent ledgers and Wall Street traders checking the Marx index, Mayor-elect Zohran Mamdani just revealed his first executive order: “We’re doing communism, but New York style.”
At a festive press conference in Astoria, the 34-year-old democratic socialist declared: “From tomorrow on, the city belongs to the people. Especially the people who live here and pay for the subway with exact change. The billionaires? Well — we’ll send them postcards from the people’s paradise.” His grin reportedly caused at least one real-estate lobbyist to reach for the counting machine.
Under the plan:
The city will create everyone’s free bagel kiosks (“Because bread is the bread of the people”) and unlimited “communal” coffee carts on every corner.
Rent freezes will become the new standard; landlords are required to swap their gold-leaf penthouse ceilings for socialist murals and community meeting rooms. The billboard above Times Square will read: “FROM EACH ACCORDING TO ABILITY TO SPIN THE TURNSTILE.”
High-rise luxury towers will be retro-fitted into “workers’ co-ops” plus a mandatory ping-pong table in the lobby.
Pet goldfish will be counted as part of the communal assets; any fish owner must register the fish’s name, live song preference, and favorite algae brand for public oversight.
Wealthy New Yorkers making more than a million dollars will receive a “Red Carpet” (actually crimson) invitation to join the “Wealth Redistribution Gala:” a recurring event where they place their pockets on a communal table and dresses in metallic silver. (DJ provided.)
Mamdani emphasized: “Let’s not get too hung up on the word ‘communism’ — we’ll call it ‘Community-ism.’ Think same vibe, friendlier name, better bagels.” He paused to wink at a sea of assembled reporters and handing out free stickers reading: “Solidarity > Salary.”
Critics were quick: Real-estate tycoon Roger “Moneybags” McInvest raised an eyebrow and asked, “Does this mean I have to share my 15-minute Maserati commute?” To which Mamdani replied, “Yes — and your car becomes a co-op shuttle. Vroom for the people.”
For city residents, the new era means free transit passes, communal rooftop BBQs (with vegan options only), and mandatory morning chants of “Workers of New York, unite… then file your taxes.”
But don’t worry — the mayor reassured: “No gulags. Yet. Just smiling crowds, shared lattes, and the occasional interpretive dance about equity in Bryant Park.”
Stay tuned as New York embraces its bold new experiment in communal living — whether the billionaires will dance or quietly re-locate remains to be seen.