Scientists Discover Parallel Universe Exactly Like Ours, Except Everyone’s Chill

Interdimensional envy skyrockets as researchers confirm humanity’s most irritating flaw is, in fact, optional.
By Cosmic Affairs Desk | November 4, 2025 | Geneva, Switzerland

In a groundbreaking discovery that has left philosophers, therapists, and Reddit moderators speechless, CERN scientists announced today the detection of a parallel universe identical to our own—save for one key difference: everyone there is completely, unapologetically chill.

Dr. Elena Marquez, lead researcher at CERN’s Dimensional Behavior Lab, described the alternate Earth (nicknamed Earth 2: Vibez Edition) as “a utopia where people still get stuck in traffic, but they don’t honk about it.”

“Their political debates end with hugs,” Marquez explained while nervously sipping her third espresso. “Their comment sections are… polite. It’s honestly disturbing.”

Reports from the discovery indicate that the parallel version of humanity somehow developed a global habit of deep breathing before replying to emails, preventing what Marquez called “the Great Burnout Cycle” that defines modern civilization on our side.

Early contact through quantum entanglement produced an unintentionally humbling result: when asked what they thought of us, a representative from Earth 2 reportedly said, “We love you guys, but wow—you seem tense.”

Markets reacted instantly. The stock value of mindfulness apps plummeted 30%, while incense sales soared overnight. Influencers across social media began live-streaming “vibe alignment sessions” to bridge what they’re calling the “dimensional mood gap.”

World leaders are divided on how to proceed. The United Nations has convened an emergency summit titled Operation Chill Out, though insiders say progress is slow due to “intense passive-aggressive tension” between delegates.

When pressed on whether humanity could ever become as calm as its mirror counterpart, Dr. Marquez sighed.

“Maybe… but first we’d have to stop doomscrolling.”

At press time, scientists confirmed Earth 2 had already discovered us in return—and collectively agreed to “send good energy” rather than interfere.