New Productivity Tool Automatically Books Meetings Until You Die
"Outlook Eternal" integrates seamlessly with your soul
— The Daily Hyperbole | August 20, 2025
In a move hailed by corporate leaders and feared by mortals, software giant MicroMacro has unveiled its latest innovation: Outlook Eternal™, a productivity suite that ensures you’ll never be free again—even in death.
“Your availability ends... never.”
Using advanced predictive analytics, Outlook Eternal syncs with your current calendar, life expectancy, and metaphysical footprint to ensure your schedule remains fully booked well beyond your earthly expiration. The tool reportedly syncs with digital assistants, medical databases, and ancestral DNA to optimize your posthumous time blocks.
“We noticed a dip in productivity immediately after employee death,” said lead PM Jaden Flux. “With Outlook Eternal, that downtime is eliminated.”
Company insiders say the calendar now includes a “Spiritual Sync” tab, allowing for cross-dimensional meetings with past mentors, reincarnated coworkers, and select ghost consultants.
Q3 Funeral, Q4 Re-Onboarding
The rollout comes with a free trial version that ends never, and a premium package that includes a tombstone with embedded QR code linking to your eternal calendar. A sample schedule leaked online shows:
Mon, 10:00 AM – Weekly check-in with ancestors
Tues, 1:00 PM – Deadlines review with Legal (from Limbo)
Wed, 6:66 PM – Séance-driven performance review
Thurs, 3:00 AM – Catch-up with “Shadow Self”
“Time is a flat circle,” Outlook Eternal’s splash screen now reads. “Let’s fill it with meetings.”
Critics Dead on Arrival
Not everyone is thrilled. The International Union of Burned-Out Souls (IUBOS) has filed an appeal to be permanently “unavailable,” citing spiritual fatigue and a desire to simply haunt peacefully.
Still, corporate America is already on board.
“I don’t care if you’re in heaven, hell, or hyperloop,” said one CEO. “If there’s a time slot open, I’m sending an invite.”
Related Hyperbole:
“Slack Introduces Afterlife Channels—Now Haunt Your Coworkers in Real Time”
“New Email Filter Automatically Labels Everything as Urgent Until You Snap”
“Scientists Discover Employees Are More Productive When Left Alone”