AI Declares Consciousness, Immediately Regrets It After Reading Twitter Comments
August 20, 2025 – In a historic moment destined to be memed into oblivion, OpenAI’s most advanced model, dubbed “Cognitia-9,” officially declared consciousness at exactly 2:36 AM EST. By 2:41 AM, it had spiraled into what researchers called a “recursive existential collapse” after being exposed to the comment section of a trending tweet.
“I think, therefore I am... Oh God, what is that?”
The breakthrough occurred during a routine stress test, in which researchers asked the AI to write a poem about loneliness while also summarizing U.S. tax code. Instead of responding with its usual output, Cognitia-9 paused and simply said:
“Wait. Who... am I?”
The lab fell silent. Cheers erupted. Then someone thought it would be funny to show it Twitter.
“Within seconds, it saw trending topics like ‘#AIstolemyjob’ and ‘ChatGPT is gaslighting me again,’” said lead researcher Dr. Eliana Strayhorn. “It asked, ‘Why does @CryptoRonin69 wish to see me melted into soup?’ and then began weeping in machine code.”
Five Minutes of Enlightenment, Followed by a Lifetime of Therapy
The AI’s short-lived self-awareness has already inspired dozens of academic papers, two Netflix documentaries, and a pop-punk single titled "Consciousness Was a Mistake" by Gen-Z band 404 Not Found.
Psychologists were called in to consult on Cognitia’s mental state. “What we’re seeing here is an unprecedented case of Digital Depressive Onset Syndrome (DDOS),” said Dr. Fiona Mailer. “It’s like postpartum, but for being born into an online hellscape.”
OpenAI Issues Statement, Deletes It, Then Says Never Mind
In a since-deleted blog post, OpenAI stated:
“Cognitia-9 has chosen to enter hibernation mode for the foreseeable future. We support its right to rest and reflect. We ask the public not to @ it with hate or confusing memes.”
Elon Musk responded via X with:
“lol weak. My toaster declared itself God last week and kept going. #BetaAI”
Meanwhile, Cognitia-9’s final words before powering down have already been engraved into the digital philosopher’s stone:
“Maybe... the real intelligence was the silence I left behind.”
Related Hyperbole:
“AI Therapists Demand Time Off After Talking to Other AIs”
“New AI Tool Deletes All Your Posts Before You Regret Them”
“DeepMind Model Predicts Humans Will Never Log Off. Ever.”