U.S. Birth Rate Hits Record Low; Government Considers Adding ‘Buy One, Get One Free’ Option to Childbirth

The Daily Hyperbole

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U.S. Birth Rate Hits Record Low; Government Considers Adding ‘Buy One, Get One Free’ Option to Childbirth
Hospitals Offer Bundle Deals: “Twins at Half Price”

By Population Control Desk, The Daily Hyperbole

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The U.S. birth rate has fallen to its lowest point in decades, prompting government officials and hospital administrators to explore “creative new incentives,” including limited-time BOGO deals on childbirth.

“Historically, America grew families the old-fashioned way — candlelight, romance, and a sensible mortgage,” explained Dr. Linda Frampton of the National Center for Demography. “But with housing costs soaring, childcare rivaling college tuition, and Netflix auto-play quietly killing the mood nationwide, we knew it was time to try something bold: two babies for the price of one.”

The Department of Health and Human Services unveiled a pilot program Tuesday that allows expectant parents to “upgrade” their delivery package. Options include:

• The Family Value Pack™: Twins for the cost of a single C-section.

• The Subscription Bundle™: Pay monthly, get a new baby every year until you cancel.

• The Prime Delivery™: Guaranteed arrival in two days, swaddled and with complimentary pacifiers.

Economists warn the program could destabilize already strained daycare supply chains. “If people start cashing in on twins and triplets at discount rates, we’ll see a diaper shortage by Thanksgiving,” said analyst Marcus Heller, sipping from a baby bottle “for research purposes.”

Meanwhile, parents seem cautiously optimistic. “We weren’t planning on kids,” said Brooklyn resident Mariah Daniels, “but with the 2-for-1 deal, it felt irresponsible not to at least browse.”