Nation Switches to Candlelight After Discovering Vibes Reduce Energy Use by 40%

“More Truth Than Reality Can Handle”
Officials Hail “Unprecedented Chill” in Energy Policy

By Energy Desk Correspondent, The Daily Hyperbole

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a sweeping new energy initiative, the U.S. Department of Energy announced Tuesday that the nation will officially transition from electric lighting to candlelight after a groundbreaking study revealed “good vibes alone” cut national energy use by 40%.

“Replacing overhead fluorescents with warm flickering flames has reduced stress, boosted national productivity, and made every office look like a quirky speakeasy,” said Secretary of Energy Jennifer Granholm, casually lighting a three-wick lavender candle during the press conference. “Frankly, we should have done this years ago.”

The decision follows months of scientific experiments, including one in which volunteers were asked to pay their utility bills while bathed in candlelight. Results showed participants were 87% calmer and 64% more likely to describe debt as “a journey.”

Wall Street reacted swiftly, with Yankee Candle stock skyrocketing 900%, while LED manufacturers scrambled to rebrand as “ambiance consultants.”

Not everyone is pleased. Fire marshals across the country have warned of “a new golden age of indoor campfires,” and several cities reported that residents mistook Whole Foods candle aisles for emergency shelters.

Still, Americans appear to support the transition. “Sure, my apartment smells like vanilla-sandalwood-pumpkin-spice-forest-fire now,” said one Brooklyn resident, “but the vibes are immaculate.”