After years of immersive field study, federal officials announced Tuesday that fraud is, in fact, bad, unveiling a bold new initiative to prohibit the very activity they have quietly tolerated, outsourced, subsidized, and accidentally rewarded for generations.

“Defense officials confirmed Tuesday that another $1 billion had become unaccounted for somewhere inside the nation’s military bureaucracy, reassuring Americans that while the money itself may be gone, the confidence with which they discussed its disappearance remains fully intact.”