Scientists Confirm Coffee Is Both Cure and Cause of All Known Ailments

Scientists Confirm Coffee Is Both Cure and Cause of All Known Ailments

Public Responds with Record-Breaking Starbucks Lines

By Bean Caffeineworth, Senior Caffeination Correspondent

SEATTLE, WA — In a groundbreaking study that has left doctors, baristas, and jittery office workers equally confused, scientists at the International Institute of Beverage Research have concluded that coffee is simultaneously the cure and the cause of every known human ailment.

Lead researcher Dr. Joe Latte announced the findings while clutching a triple espresso. “We tested everything,” he explained. “Cancer, heart disease, anxiety, happiness, immortality — coffee either helps or destroys all of it. Sometimes both. We don’t really know.”

The 6,000-page report offers only one conclusion: ‘Drink coffee… probably.’

Confused Medical Community

Hospitals worldwide are scrambling to adjust recommendations. The American Heart Association now suggests ‘drinking two cups a day for longevity, but also not drinking coffee ever for the same reason.’

Meanwhile, holistic healers insist coffee aligns chakras, while conspiracy theorists claim it is the chakra.

Public Reaction

Following the announcement, Starbucks reported the longest drive-thru lines in company history. One customer, sipping his 12-shot “Deathpresso,” summed up the nation’s mood:

“If coffee kills me, at least I’ll die wide awake.”

Next Study: Water

Scientists now turn to water, hoping to determine whether it hydrates or slowly drowns people from the inside. Results expected by 2030.