Local IT Guy Gets Pizzeria Shut Down Over Bad Pepperoni Slice
ai-generated image so please excuse the strange characters
The Daily Hyperbole
“More Truth Than Reality Can Handle”
Local IT Guy Gets Pizzeria Shut Down Over Bad Pepperoni Slice
By Staff Propagandist, The Daily Hyperbole
GRAND RIVER CITY, USA — In what health officials are calling “a staggering misuse of free time,” local IT technician Darren Blakely successfully reported and shut down neighborhood favorite Tony’s Brick Oven Pizza — not because of mold, rodents, or actual violations, but because, in his own words, “the crust was floppy, and the cheese tasted like it came from a gas station.”
Blakely, 34, claims he made the call to the city’s Department of Health after enduring “the worst pizza experience of my life” on Tuesday evening. “I just couldn’t stand by and let innocent citizens be subjected to undercooked dough masquerading as food,” he told reporters, while adjusting his lanyard of novelty keychains.
City inspectors, perhaps too eager to act, descended on Tony’s Wednesday morning and shut the restaurant down within hours. Their report cited “suspected violations,” though none were substantiated beyond Blakely’s testimony that the pepperoni “tasted weird” and that he “saw a bubble in the cheese that looked alive.”
Regulars of the 25-year-old establishment were outraged. “This was the best pizza joint in Grand River! Now it’s gone because some guy couldn’t handle a soggy slice?” said longtime customer Maria Lopez, holding back tears.
Blakely, however, remained unfazed, declaring, “Justice was served, unlike that pizza.” He has since launched a blog titled The Sauce is a Lie, where he promises to hold all local eateries accountable to his personal standards.
Meanwhile, Tony’s Brick Oven owner Tony Marino has vowed to appeal the shutdown. “This city’s gone mad. One guy with Wi-Fi and a grudge takes down a family business? What’s next, coffee shops closed for serving lukewarm lattes?”
Health officials confirmed they are “reviewing their protocols” but noted that Blakely has already filed new complaints against a falafel truck, a donut shop, and his office cafeteria.