Nation Adjusts Clocks Back Three Days to Match Man’s Prophecies

"Josh Brown, pictured here in what may or may not be the future, declined to comment—except to say, ‘See you in three days.’"

By Staff Propagandist – The Daily Hyperbole

Local man from Tampa Bay, Josh Brown, is known for making absurd predictions that somehow always come true. The nation’s leaders have become hooked on these predictions—whether or not they are based in reality. Somehow, they come true more often than not.

He predicted the sentience of artificial intelligence, also known as the singularity. He predicted a cessation of all major conflicts worldwide. He predicted an unprecedented surge in Ethereum’s price—claiming that Bitcoin’s anonymous founder, Satoshi Nakamoto, actually developed Bitcoin in the United States but believes Ethereum more closely matches Bitcoin’s original whitepaper. Bitcoin maximalists caught wind of this rumor and are rapidly trading their Bitcoin for ETH.

The President, Director of National Intelligence, and Secretary of State have become so hooked on these predictions that, in order to keep pace with Mr. Brown, they have decided to officially adjust the national time three days into the past. It may sound strange, but this was deemed necessary to keep reality straight. His predictions are so accurate that it’s now considered a matter of national security to make this adjustment.

With this change, the United States effectively has a three-day advantage over all foreign nations, adversary or otherwise. Once lagging behind, the USA is now three days ahead. Josh Brown is what you might call a “silent celebrity”—the media and foreign leaders are eager to know more about him, but the President and other administration officials have been dodging questions so far, as he prefers to maintain a low profile.

However, you won’t believe what will happen three days from now—the whole world will learn about Josh Brown and his wild predictions.

“We can’t explain it, but if he says it’s going to rain cheeseburgers next week, we’re buying umbrellas and ketchup packets.” — Unnamed White House aide

Dr. Linda Harrison, Quantum Chronology Analyst, MIT
“By moving the entire country three days into the past, we’ve essentially created a national cheat sheet. It’s like time travel, but without all that pesky wormhole math.”