STRASBOURG, FRANCE — European lawmakers were forced to temporarily set aside pressing matters of international security, economic policy, and climate change this week after an enormous golden statue of a naked Donald Trump appeared inside the European Parliament, raising serious questions about both the state of global diplomacy and who approved the building's decorations.

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump announced Tuesday that mail-in voting is now safe and secure, following the discovery that Republicans are also allowed to use it.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senate Republicans successfully summoned Mitch McConnell from the realm of the dead Wednesday after determining that passing a farm bill would require one additional vote and a modest violation of the natural order.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — The world’s leading artificial intelligence companies reached a historic consensus Wednesday that their technology poses a profound threat to humanity, signing a joint declaration before returning to their offices to make it considerably more powerful.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump urged Ukraine to stop attacking Russian diesel infrastructure this week after discovering that destroying an adversary’s fuel supply can reduce the amount of fuel the adversary has available to sell.

By Thurston P. Bootstrap IV, National Heartbreak Recovery Correspondent
Medford, Massachusetts—Americans began the difficult process of healing Wednesday after officials confirmed that a promising local relationship had ended following three dates, abruptly closing one of the most consequential romantic chapters of the week.

By Thurston P. Bootstrap IV, Senior Pizza Party Correspondent

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump is reportedly devastated after a federal appeals court blocked construction of his new White House ballroom, temporarily destroying his dream of hosting really awesome pizza parties.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump escalated tensions with Iran late Saturday by deploying levels of CAPS LOCK not seen since World War II, unleashing a concentrated barrage of capital letters across Truth Social and placing the entire Persian Gulf on heightened typographical alert.

RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL — The U.S. State Department unveiled a dramatically redesigned map of Africa this week after determining that the continent’s existing geography was “outdated, overly complicated, and unnecessarily dependent on facts.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Food and Drug Administration raised the national diarrhea threat level to Brown Tuesday following a multistate outbreak of Cyclospora, a microscopic parasite known for causing prolonged gastrointestinal distress and abruptly reorganizing a person’s afternoon.

BOSTON, MA — Federal officials confirmed Thursday that a massive cloud of Canadian wildfire smoke entered the United States without a passport, visa, work permit, customs declaration, or even the basic courtesy of stopping at a designated border checkpoint.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an effort to curb weeks of increasingly bizarre online speculation, Senate leadership issued a statement Tuesday clarifying that, in the event a sitting senator were to return as a zombie, they would remain eligible to vote unless otherwise prohibited by the Constitution.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The United States has officially renewed its premium war subscription with Iran after allowing a complimentary ceasefire trial to expire, White House officials confirmed Thursday.

CHICAGO — Following the United States men’s national team’s devastating 4–1 elimination at the hands of Belgium, U.S. Soccer officials announced Tuesday that the program would be taking a hard look in the mirror and making one major tactical adjustment going forward: significantly more presidential interference and substantially less defending.

NEW YORK, NY — In what European officials are calling “a dark day for the beautiful game” and American officials are calling “finally understanding the sport,” the United States has reportedly mastered soccer just in time to begin influencing the rules, the referees, and the disciplinary process.

NEW YORK, NY —

The White House pushed back forcefully Monday against reports that President Donald Trump was booed during his appearance at Madison Square Garden, clarifying that the crowd was actually chanting “Boo-S-A! Boo-S-A!” in what officials described as “a spontaneous, deeply patriotic expression of rhythmic national unity.”

A local woman’s Tuesday morning commute took a dramatic turn after she accidentally made direct eye contact with a man she recently rejected, forcing both parties to acknowledge, for approximately 1.7 seconds, that they are still alive and using the same public transportation system.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold tribute to 250 years of American independence, Treasury officials confirmed Thursday that the nation may celebrate its semiquincentennial by introducing a commemorative $250 bill and then immediately asking the most underpaid workers in the country to decide whether it is real.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning breakthrough that experts are calling “obvious in hindsight and also obvious beforehand,” leading economists warned Thursday that war may be bad for prices, consumers, supply chains, fuel costs, grocery bills, household budgets, global stability, and nearly everyone directly or indirectly involved.

WASHINGTON / TEHRAN — Negotiations to end the rapidly escalating conflict between the United States and Iran reportedly entered a promising new phase Tuesday after both sides confirmed they were still committed to peace, provided they could continue exchanging carefully calibrated explosions between diplomatic statements.