WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold tribute to 250 years of American independence, Treasury officials confirmed Thursday that the nation may celebrate its semiquincentennial by introducing a commemorative $250 bill and then immediately asking the most underpaid workers in the country to decide whether it is real.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning breakthrough that experts are calling “obvious in hindsight and also obvious beforehand,” leading economists warned Thursday that war may be bad for prices, consumers, supply chains, fuel costs, grocery bills, household budgets, global stability, and nearly everyone directly or indirectly involved.

WASHINGTON / TEHRAN — Negotiations to end the rapidly escalating conflict between the United States and Iran reportedly entered a promising new phase Tuesday after both sides confirmed they were still committed to peace, provided they could continue exchanging carefully calibrated explosions between diplomatic statements.

Nation pauses to reflect, idle, merge badly, and contemplate whether taking the scenic route was a mistake
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a moving national tribute to America’s fallen service members, approximately 45 million Americans are expected to spend Memorial Day weekend sitting completely motionless on highways, staring at brake lights, and asking loved ones whether this was “really worth it.”

nation adjusts clocks back three days to match man’s prophecies

STUDY FINDS 83% OF AMERICANS NOW LIVING INSIDE IKEA SHOWROOMS

World Leaders Baffled as History Rewrites Itself ‘Again’