Nation Announces “National Day of Doing Absolutely Nothing” After Realizing Nobody’s Tried It Yet

By Staff Recliner, Comfort Desk

In a groundbreaking policy shift, the federal government has declared next Monday the “National Day of Doing Absolutely Nothing,” citing unprecedented levels of collective exhaustion.

“This isn’t a holiday,” clarified Acting Secretary of Vibes, Linda Snooze. “It’s an anti-holiday. No fireworks, no barbecues, no family drama. Just… nothing. We want America horizontal.”

Citizens are being urged to cancel plans, silence phones, and stare peacefully at ceilings.
Employers nationwide expressed confusion about whether workers were supposed to call out or just silently disassociate mid-meeting.

Retailers immediately launched “Do Nothing” sales, offering discounts on hammocks, eye masks, and existential dread.

Meanwhile, economists predict productivity will drop to zero, which experts are calling “the most honest metric in years.”

“It’s the first time in decades we’ll all be on the same page,” said sociologist Dr. Janet Laze. “A blank one.”