Man Sets ‘Do Not Disturb’ for the Rest of His Life

By Lucid Everett, Lifestyle & Metaphysics Desk
Location: Sedona, Arizona

SEDONA — In a bold act of spiritual self-care, local IT consultant and part-time philosopher Derek Langley announced Thursday that he has officially set his phone — and, by extension, his existence — to Do Not Disturb mode “until further notice from the cosmos.”

“I’ll let the universe leave a voicemail,” Langley said, eyes half-closed, moments before deleting all his social media apps and replacing them with a single folder titled ‘Stillness.’

Witnesses say Langley’s transformation began after one too many late-night Slack notifications caused him to question the very nature of “urgent.” Friends report he hasn’t answered a text since Tuesday, though his aura has “really improved.”

“He doesn’t even flinch when the microwave beeps anymore,” said neighbor Celine Armitage. “I think he transcended the notification sound spectrum.”

Langley’s experiment in metaphysical silence has inspired others to follow suit. Across the nation, burnout-prone employees have begun auto-replying to emails with messages like, ‘Currently ascending. Try again in another lifetime.’

When asked if he planned to return to the digital world, Langley smiled faintly.
“Maybe,” he said. “But only if the vibe’s right.”

Authorities confirm there’s no law against opting out of existence, though one local police report noted, “We did knock on his door for a wellness check. He texted back: ‘New phone, who dis (spiritually)?’”

Langley’s current status message reads simply:
“In airplane mode, but for the soul.”