Scientists Declare Earth Officially ‘A Hot Girl Summer’ Planet

Global Warming Rebranded as Lifestyle Choice

By Climate Desk Correspondent, The Daily Hyperbole

GENEVA — In a press conference that experts are calling “blazingly on-brand,” the World Meteorological Organization has officially reclassified Earth’s rising temperatures as Hot Girl Summer Season, citing the need to make climate change more “fun and flirty.”

“This is not your grandmother’s climate crisis,” said WMO spokesperson Dr. Leila Santos, wearing oversized sunglasses and holding an iced latte. “It’s a planetary glow-up. Sure, sea levels are rising — but so are hemlines.”

Under the new classification, climate reports will now feature astrology-inspired forecasts, with phrases like “mercury’s in retrograde, so expect hotter temps and more crop tops.” Scientists also confirmed that sunscreen is now considered a tax-deductible necessity.

Fashion brands and beverage companies have already jumped on board, announcing collaborations such as SPF-infused cold brew and bikinis made from upcycled solar panels.

Critics argue this rebrand trivializes the climate crisis, but defenders say it could finally get Gen Z to pay attention. “We tried charts, we tried graphs,” said one climate scientist. “But if we call it a global thirst trap, suddenly everyone’s engaged.”