Area Man Declares He’s “Basically A Chef” After Successfully Following Recipe
“Gordon Ramsay could never,” claims person who made spaghetti
By Staff Writer, Culinary Delusion Correspondent
MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Local resident Brad Kemper, 32, announced to friends and family Sunday evening that he is “basically a chef now” after successfully preparing spaghetti carbonara by following a recipe he found on the internet.
The declaration came moments after Kemper plated his pasta, took seven photos for Instagram, and tasted his creation without immediately requiring medical attention.
“Gordon Ramsay could never,” Kemper proclaimed while standing in a kitchen covered in eggshells, cheese shavings, and what appeared to be an entire stick of butter that missed the pan. “I think I might have a natural gift for this.”
The Journey to Culinary Excellence: 90 Minutes
Kemper’s path to self-proclaimed chef status began at 6:47 p.m., when he decided to “get serious about cooking” and selected a recipe labeled Easy Weeknight Carbonara—Ready in 20 Minutes.
The dish took him an hour and a half.
“The recipe didn’t account for the time it takes to figure out what ‘al dente’ means,” Kemper explained, showing his phone’s search history, which included “al dente definition,” “is al dente crunchy,” and “can you get sick from undercooked pasta.”
Despite the extended timeline, Kemper maintained that his interpretation of the recipe was “probably better than the original.”
“I added some red pepper flakes,” he said. “Which the recipe didn’t even mention. That’s called improvisation. That’s what separates good cooks from great chefs.”
The recipe did, in fact, mention red pepper flakes. In the second line.
The Reviews Are In
Kemper’s girlfriend, Jessica Torres, who consumed the carbonara while nodding supportively, offered measured praise.
“It was… food,” Torres said carefully. “It was definitely edible. The pasta was cooked. Some of it was even the right texture.”
When asked if Kemper’s cooking had improved, Torres paused for seven seconds before responding, “He’s very enthusiastic about it.”
She later clarified off the record that Kemper had previously considered himself “basically a chef” after making quesadillas on a George Foreman grill and “absolutely nailing” microwave popcorn.
A Growing Confidence
Since his carbonara triumph, Kemper has begun referring to his kitchen as “my workspace” and has started watching cooking shows “for inspiration, not instruction.”
“I watch these competition shows and I’m like, ‘I could do that,’” Kemper said, gesturing toward his television, where a trained chef was deboning a duck in 90 seconds. “Maybe not the fancy plating, but the cooking part? Definitely.”
Kemper owns three knives: one steak knife, one butter knife, and one large knife he refers to as “the big one.” He has never sharpened any of them.
The Menu Expands
Emboldened by his success, Kemper announced plans to “expand his repertoire” and has bookmarked 17 recipes on his phone, all labeled easy, simple, or beginner.
Upcoming projects include:
Tacos (“Just meat and shells, how hard can it be?”)
Stir fry (“It’s literally just stirring things in a pan while they fry”)
“Something with chicken” (specifics TBD)
When asked if he planned to take cooking classes or watch instructional videos, Kemper dismissed the idea.
“Classes are for people who don’t have natural talent,” he explained. “I’m more of an instinct guy. I just feel my way through it.”
His instincts previously led him to use dish soap in a dishwasher, resulting in what Torres described as “a foam incident.”
The Professional Comparison
Kemper has begun comparing himself favorably to professional chefs, despite having cooked approximately four meals in his adult life that didn’t come from a box or require a microwave.
“Those TV chefs have teams of people helping them,” Kemper noted. “I did this solo. Well, Jessica opened the pasta box because it was stuck, but after that, all me.”
He added that he’s “basically on the same level as those Food Network people,” a statement that caused his roommate to leave the room.
Expert Opinion
Chef Maria Rodriguez, who has worked in professional kitchens for 23 years and attended Le Cordon Bleu, was shown a photo of Kemper’s carbonara.
“That’s… that’s scrambled eggs with noodles,” Rodriguez said, squinting at the image. “Did he think carbonara was supposed to look like breakfast?”
When informed that Kemper considers himself “basically a chef,” Rodriguez laughed for 40 seconds straight.
“I spent years training, worked 80-hour weeks, burned myself countless times, and cried in walk-in freezers,” she said. “This man boiled water and cracked an egg. We are not the same.”
The Dream Lives On
Kemper remains undeterred and has already begun planning his “signature dish,” which he defined as “something I make that people associate with me.”
“I’m thinking maybe I’ll do carbonara, but with a twist,” he said. “Like, what if I added peas? Nobody’s ever thought of that.”
According to a quick Google search, approximately 47,000 carbonara recipes include peas.
Kemper has also started dropping hints about “maybe opening a restaurant someday” and described his cooking style as “rustic Italian fusion with Midwestern influences,” which appears to mean “spaghetti with too much butter.”
Moving Forward
Despite having successfully followed exactly one recipe, Kemper says he’s ready to “take his cooking to the next level” and has asked for a chef’s knife for his birthday.
“A real one,” he specified. “Not like the big one I have now.”
When asked what the difference was, Kemper admitted he wasn’t sure but noted that “chefs have nice knives, so I should too.”
Torres has reportedly purchased him a gift card to a local cooking class and is “hopeful he’ll take the hint.”
At press time, Kemper was attempting to make “homemade pizza” using a store-bought crust, jarred sauce, and pre-shredded cheese, while confidently declaring himself “basically a pizzaiolo now.”