Consultant Threatens To Quit Job Over Microplastics In Office Water Supply
By Staff Writer, Hydration & Existential Crisis Correspondent
BOSTON, MA — A local management consultant has reportedly issued a formal and deeply color-coded ultimatum to company leadership, threatening to resign unless immediate action is taken regarding what he described as a “catastrophic microplastic infiltration event” occurring inside the firm’s office water cooler.
Jason Kline, 31, first raised concerns Monday morning after reading an article about microplastics while simultaneously drinking his fourth cup of complimentary office water and scrolling through LinkedIn posts about “intentional living.”
“I just realized I might be ingesting microscopic fragments of water bottles… while drinking water from water bottles,” Kline said, adjusting his standing desk to what he described as “morally superior height.” “At what point does hydration become self-sabotage?”
Discovery Occurred During Productivity Break
Sources confirm Kline’s panic began around 10:47 AM when he Googled ‘Are microplastics bad?’ while waiting for a spreadsheet to finish calculating.
Within minutes, Kline had:
Read three alarming health articles
Joined two online environmental forums
Scheduled an emergency meeting titled “Water Integrity Strategic Review”
Begun drafting a 17-slide presentation labeled “Hydration Risk: A Stakeholder Perspective”
Colleagues reported the meeting quickly escalated when Kline unveiled a pie chart titled “Percentage of Me That Is Probably Plastic Now.”
“It was 60% guesswork, 40% vibes,” said coworker Danielle Torres. “But honestly, the confidence was impressive.”
Ultimatum Delivered In Bullet-Point Format
According to internal sources, Kline delivered his resignation threat via Slack message followed by a professionally formatted email titled:
“Action Required: My Continued Employment vs. Synthetic Polymers”
The email outlined three key demands:
Immediate replacement of all office water with “ethically sourced glacier tears”
Installation of a filtration system described as “NASA-adjacent”
A company-sponsored wellness day titled “De-Plastic Yourself: The Journey Begins”
Management reportedly responded by reacting with the 👍 emoji.
Leadership Responds With Corporate Calm
Company executives issued a statement Tuesday afternoon acknowledging employee concerns while reassuring staff that leadership is “actively monitoring hydration sentiment.”
“We take water quality extremely seriously,” the statement read. “Our internal review has confirmed that the water is, in fact, wet.”
The company also announced the formation of a cross-functional task force tasked with investigating both microplastics and whether employees are “overthinking hydration.”
Office Culture Divided
Reactions among staff have been mixed. Some employees expressed solidarity with Kline’s concerns, while others noted he regularly consumes energy drinks from aluminum cans and reheats leftovers in visibly melted plastic containers.
“I respect the passion,” said analyst Mark Liu. “But yesterday he ate soup directly out of Tupperware that had clearly seen war.”
Meanwhile, Human Resources has issued a reminder encouraging employees to remain calm and “avoid diagnosing themselves as polymer-based life forms during business hours.”
Consultant Remains Resolute
Kline maintains that his stance is not only about personal health, but about setting a precedent for corporate accountability.
“If we don’t draw the line somewhere, what’s next?” Kline said. “Nanoplastics? Emotional microplastics? Eventually we’ll all just be walking water bottles with student loan debt.”
At press time, Kline was reportedly seen refilling his reusable water bottle from the office cooler while explaining to coworkers that he is “just finishing this bottle out of respect.”