Economy Officially Enters Schrödinger’s Recession
“We’re both fine and doomed,” explains Fed chair nervously.
By Staff Economist
Washington, D.C. — The U.S. economy has officially entered a Schrödinger’s Recession, existing in a paradoxical state of simultaneous collapse and expansion depending on whether or not you check your 401(k).
The Federal Reserve announced the unprecedented situation early this morning after several economists opened the “economic box” and immediately disagreed about what they saw.
“Half the indicators were thriving,” said Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell, visibly sweating. “The other half were screaming. So we closed the box again.”
According to the latest Quantum Fiscal Review, the economy is currently in all possible states at once: booming, crashing, stagnating, and posting thirst traps for stimulus checks.
Dr. Sandra Wu, a theoretical economist at MIT, explained the concept in layman’s terms:
“Imagine your bank account as an atom. Until you look at it, it’s both empty and full. Once you check your balance, you collapse the wave function—and the sadness becomes real.”
Wall Street responded with enthusiasm, as investors began buying and selling everything simultaneously in what analysts are calling a “superposition bull-bear market.”
“I’m both rich and bankrupt,” said one hedge fund manager. “It’s actually kind of freeing.”
Meanwhile, ordinary Americans report feeling “quantum broke,” a condition described as having both too much and too little money at the same time.
Consumer confidence, measured by a survey of people staring blankly into space, is at a record-setting “¯\(ツ)/¯.”
In response, Congress has proposed the Uncertainty Reduction Act, which would fund a $2 trillion particle accelerator designed to smash fiscal policy and see what falls out.
“If we can just observe the economy hard enough,” said one senator, “maybe it’ll pick a mood.”
Until then, economists recommend not thinking too hard about it. “As long as you don’t open your banking app,” said Powell, “the economy’s fine. Probably.”