Meditation App Adds Feature That Just Tells You to Go Outside

“You’ve unlocked level: touch grass.”

By Zen Hardly, Mindfulness & Minimal Effort Correspondent
Location: Park Bench Near Wi-Fi Zone

In response to user burnout from self-improvement itself, popular meditation app BreatheSync™ has unveiled its boldest update yet: a push notification that simply reads, “Close this app and go outside.”

CEO Lena Marquez announced the change during a 90-minute livestream from a forest she clearly had no cell service in.

“Our analytics showed people were meditating indoors, under fluorescent lights, while doomscrolling articles about mindfulness,” Marquez explained. “We realized — they need sun, not sound baths.”

The update rewards users with a new achievement badge titled “Level: Touch Grass.”

According to company data, 82% of users ignored the first alert. The remaining 18% were later seen wandering around their neighborhoods, blinking at the sky like newly freed captives.

“It felt weird at first,” said long-time subscriber Brian E., “but then I saw a squirrel. I think I forgave my father.”

Critics claim the update undermines the app’s business model, but Marquez disagrees.

“Inner peace shouldn’t be locked behind a paywall. The outdoors is still freemium.”

The company plans to expand the program with future features like “Breathe Air IRL” and “Go Talk to a Human (Beta).”

At press time, users who ignored the “Go Outside” notification received a follow-up alert:

“Fine. We’re turning off your phone. Namaste.”