Google Maps Accidentally Sends Half the Nation Into the Ocean
By Atlantic Navigator, The Daily Hyperbole
NEW YORK, NY — Millions of Americans found themselves treading water this morning after a glitch in Google Maps’ latest update redirected drivers onto what the app described as “the fastest route” — straight into the Atlantic Ocean.
The bug, first noticed at 7:03 a.m. EST, instructed motorists from Maine to Florida to “proceed straight for 600 miles.” Thousands of vehicles obediently rolled off piers, boardwalks, and boat ramps, plunging into the sea as confused seagulls circled overhead.
“I thought it was weird when the app told me to keep driving east for six hours,” said Staten Island resident Jerry Gonzalez, speaking from the roof of his submerged Toyota Camry. “But honestly, traffic was moving better than usual, so I didn’t question it.”
Coast Guard officials report that maritime traffic along the Eastern Seaboard is now gridlocked with SUVs, minivans, and confused delivery drivers bobbing alongside container ships.
Google issued a statement apologizing for the mishap, explaining that a junior engineer had accidentally set the Atlantic Ocean as a “preferred route.”
“Our mission has always been to get users where they need to go as quickly as possible,” said Google spokesperson Melissa Crandall. “We regret that this morning, that destination happened to be international waters.”
The app’s rerouting feature only made matters worse. Once users realized they were drowning and tried to “recalculate,” the app repeatedly chirped: “Make a U-turn when possible.”
The White House quickly weighed in on the crisis. Press Secretary Stephen Griggs urged Americans to “exercise patience” while FEMA distributed pool noodles and floaties along the eastern shoreline.
Meanwhile, conspiracy theorists online are celebrating the bug as proof of the long-rumored “Atlantis Agenda.” Trending hashtags include #OceanCommute, #TrustTheMap, and #DrownloadUpdate.
Economists predict long-term ripple effects. With half the U.S. population drifting east, property values in Brooklyn are expected to skyrocket — while New Jersey has declared itself “finally free.”
Despite the chaos, some see opportunity. Uber announced it will soon launch “Uber Boat”, a ride-sharing service connecting stranded motorists with tugboats.
As for Google, engineers say a fix is in the works. Until then, the company has advised users to “avoid the Atlantic Ocean” and instead “stick to routes that remain above sea level.”
In the meantime, half the nation continues their unexpected morning commute at a depth of three fathoms.