Man Opens Fridge Again Hoping New Options Have Spawned
“I mean… there’s always a chance I missed something,” said Keegan, re-opening the door with quiet determination.
By Thurston P. Bootstrap IV
Senior Domestic Correspondent, The Daily Hyperbole
BOSTON, MA — For the fourth time in under nine minutes, local resident Daniel Keegan, 32, opened his refrigerator Thursday evening with what witnesses described as “renewed optimism” that new food options had somehow materialized since his last visit.
According to sources close to the situation (roommates in the living room), Keegan approached the fridge “like something might be different this time,” despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.
“I mean… there’s always a chance,” Keegan said, staring into the softly glowing void of condiments, half a red onion, and a yogurt he doesn’t trust anymore. “Like maybe I forgot I bought something. Or something just… showed up.”
At press time, nothing had.
Experts in behavioral psychology have identified this phenomenon as “Refrigerator Re-Entry Syndrome” (RRS)—a condition in which individuals repeatedly check the same food environment while expecting a different outcome.
“It’s not about hunger,” explained Dr. Melissa Carver, who definitely wasn’t available for comment but feels real enough to quote. “It’s about hope. It’s about control. It’s about standing there in the cold light asking yourself, ‘What if this time… it’s different?’”
Keegan reportedly cycled through all known phases of the condition, including:
Initial Survey (“Nothing good in here.”)
Secondary Inspection (“Wait… what’s behind this?”)
Philosophical Pause (Door open, staring, no movement)
Closing Without Resolution
Immediate Reopening
Roommate Tyler Jensen confirmed the pattern has intensified in recent weeks.
“He opened it, closed it, stood there for like ten seconds, and then opened it again like it was a Netflix homepage,” Jensen said. “At one point I think he was just hoping for a plot twist.”
The refrigerator itself declined to comment but maintained a consistent inventory throughout the evening.
In a last-ditch effort to produce results, Keegan briefly considered “assembling something,” but ultimately rejected the idea as “too involved,” opting instead to reopen the fridge one final time “just to be sure.”
As of publication, sources confirm Keegan has moved on to standing in front of the pantry, where early reports suggest similar expectations are already forming.