CHICAGO — Following the United States men’s national team’s devastating 4–1 elimination at the hands of Belgium, U.S. Soccer officials announced Tuesday that the program would be taking a hard look in the mirror and making one major tactical adjustment going forward: significantly more presidential interference and substantially less defending.

NEW YORK, NY — In what European officials are calling “a dark day for the beautiful game” and American officials are calling “finally understanding the sport,” the United States has reportedly mastered soccer just in time to begin influencing the rules, the referees, and the disciplinary process.

BOSTON, MA —

A Boston-area bar issued a statement Thursday assuring concerned patrons that additional beer is expected to arrive “almost immediately” after Scotland is eliminated from the World Cup and its traveling supporters stop consuming alcohol at a rate previously believed to be theoretical.