Wall Street Traders Switch to Ouija Boards for Market Predictions
By Trading Desk Correspondent, The Daily Hyperbole
New York, NY — October 3, 2025
In a shocking turn of events, Wall Street’s top financial institutions have ditched complex algorithms, economic forecasts, and Ivy League consultants—opting instead for Ouija boards to guide the future of the markets.
The move comes after analysts admitted that traditional forecasting models were “about as reliable as flipping a coin during an earthquake.” Goldman Sachs announced the change in a press release, explaining, “At least with Ouija boards, we can blame the spirits when everything goes to hell.”
Spirits Over Spreadsheets
Traders now gather each morning in candlelit boardrooms, placing their hands on a wooden planchette while chanting, “Dow Jones, give us a sign.” Insiders claim that yesterday’s 400-point plunge in the S&P 500 was directly attributed to a mischievous ghost named “Carl” who allegedly spelled out “SELL EVERYTHING” before disappearing into the ether.
“Honestly, Carl’s been more accurate than the Fed,” one hedge fund manager admitted, sipping his $19 oat milk latte while watching the flames of a ceremonial incense stick.
Market Mayhem, Paranormal Style
The practice has already caused confusion on the trading floor. NASDAQ briefly halted trading after the board spelled out “BOO,” sending investors into a frenzy. Meanwhile, the crypto market surged overnight after the ghost of Nikola Tesla allegedly whispered, “Buy Dogecoin… trust me.”
Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell responded to the trend by lighting sage during his latest press conference, assuring reporters that, “The economy is stable—unless Mercury goes into retrograde again.”
Analysts Remain… Uneasy
Skeptics argue that Ouija-based investing is nothing more than superstition. Still, early results show that spirit-led portfolios are outperforming traditional funds by 12%. BlackRock has already trademarked a new fund: ETF (Ectoplasmic Trading Fund).
“This is the future,” claimed one enthusiastic broker. “Forget AI, forget quantum computing—if you want real insight into global markets, you need a haunted antique shop and a strong grip.”