Man Opens Email, Immediately Needs To Lie Down

“Just a quick note” cited as primary cause of collapse

BOSTON, MA — Local man Derek Halpern was forced to lie down Tuesday morning after opening an email that began with the phrase “Just a quick note,” immediately triggering what experts are calling a “full-body anticipatory exhaustion response.”

Witnesses report Halpern had just taken his first sip of coffee and was experiencing what he later described as “baseline, manageable dread” before clicking into his inbox and making direct eye contact with the message.

“I didn’t even finish the first sentence,” Halpern said from a horizontal position on his living room floor. “But I could tell. I could just tell this was going to ruin my entire day.”

Sources confirm the email contained multiple paragraphs, three bullet points, and the phrase “looping in a few folks here,” which analysts say increases perceived workload by up to 600%.

“I saw ‘per my last email’ and that’s when my body shut down,” Halpern added. “That phrase carries historical weight.”

At press time, Halpern had marked the email as unread, stood up briefly to “reset,” then laid back down after remembering it still existed.