The Onion Promises To Preserve InfoWars’ Proud Tradition Of Making Things Up

Satirical publication assures longtime listeners the site will remain deeply committed to baseless claims, yelling, and monetized panic

AUSTIN, TX — Following renewed legal efforts to take control of InfoWars, executives at The Onion announced Tuesday that they intend to preserve the outlet’s proud tradition of making things up, assuring longtime fans that the site’s core mission of confusing frightened Americans for profit will remain fully intact.

The proposed deal, which has faced fresh legal delays from Alex Jones’ team, would reportedly allow The Onion’s parent company to license the InfoWars brand and domain while turning the platform into an experimental comedy outlet. The effort remains stalled amid ongoing litigation tied to Jones’ massive defamation judgments related to his false claims about Sandy Hook.

“We understand that InfoWars has a sacred responsibility to its audience,” said one Onion executive, standing before a whiteboard labeled OPERATION: SAME BUT FUNNY ON PURPOSE. “For years, this platform has provided Americans with unsupported claims, emotional instability, and suspiciously expensive supplements. We have no intention of abandoning that legacy.”

The executive then emphasized that under new ownership, the primary difference would be “the presence of jokes.”

According to insiders, The Onion’s transition plan includes retaining several beloved InfoWars features, including urgent all-caps headlines, ominous countdown clocks, and segments in which a man sweats directly into the camera while warning viewers that “they” are coming for something.

However, the new version would reportedly introduce a controversial editorial standard requiring claims to be either satirical, clearly absurd, or “at least funny enough to justify the lawsuit.”

Jones’ legal team has argued that the proposed takeover could damage the value of InfoWars and mislead its audience, a concern that stunned media experts nationwide.

“Mislead the InfoWars audience?” said one communications professor. “That would be like worrying that turning a casino into a bank might normalize gambling.”

Longtime InfoWars viewers expressed mixed feelings about the possible transition.

“I just don’t know if I can trust The Onion,” said local listener Dale Krambler, who has purchased $4,700 worth of emergency iodine tablets from people shouting in front of flags. “With Alex, I always knew exactly where I stood: terrified, confused, and one promo code away from surviving global tyranny.”

Others were more optimistic.

“Honestly, I thought InfoWars was already satire,” said one man who claimed to have been reading the site for twelve years. “The only thing that confused me was when they started selling protein powder after every prophecy.”

The Onion has reportedly promised not to erase InfoWars’ history, but instead to honor it by making the site’s fiction intentional, coherent, and legally defensible.

“We are not here to destroy InfoWars,” the executive continued. “We are here to ask a simple question: what if the people making things up knew they were making things up?”

At press time, a Texas court was still determining whether the transformation of InfoWars into a parody website would constitute a radical change in mission or simply a long-overdue labeling update.