Nation’s Thoughts and Prayers Officially Depleted, Congress Investigating Shortage

Emergency Reserves Tapped; Lawmakers Consider Importing Thoughts and Prayers from Canada

By Staff Writer, Spiritual Supply Chain Correspondent
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Federal officials confirmed Thursday that the United States has officially exhausted its national supply of “thoughts and prayers,” triggering an emergency review by Congress and raising concerns about the country’s long-term ability to respond to tragedy without taking meaningful action.

The shortage was first detected following the nation’s 417th “unprecedented tragedy” of the year, when officials attempted to deploy the standard response package and discovered the thoughts and prayers reserves had fallen below operational levels.

“We’re basically running on fumes,” said Acting Secretary of Empathy Logistics Karen Whitfield, gesturing toward an empty warehouse labeled National Reserve of Sincere Gestures. “We have maybe two or three vague sentiments left, and those are earmarked for a press conference later today.”

Emergency Measures Implemented

In response, Congress authorized the immediate release of the Strategic Thoughts and Prayers Reserve, a stockpile established after lawmakers realized the phrase could be reused indefinitely without measurable impact.

“These were meant for worst-case scenarios only,” explained Senator Thomas R. Blanchard (R–Somewhere Safe). “Natural disasters, mass violence, systemic collapse — not every single week.”

Blanchard assured constituents that lawmakers are “taking this very seriously” and have already convened a bipartisan task force to determine whether the shortage can be blamed on social media, video games, or a lack of personal responsibility.

Import Options on the Table

With domestic production stalled, lawmakers are now exploring the possibility of importing thoughts and prayers from Canada, citing that country’s surplus of politeness and unused compassion.

“Canada has a strong, renewable empathy sector,” said one congressional aide, speaking on condition of anonymity. “They apologize for things that aren’t even their fault. That kind of output could stabilize our market.”

However, critics warn that foreign thoughts and prayers may not be compatible with American tragedies unless heavily diluted with flag imagery and calls for unity.

Experts Say Shortage Was Inevitable

Policy analysts note that the nation’s over-reliance on thoughts and prayers — often deployed instead of legislation — made depletion unavoidable.

“You can only substitute symbolic concern for action so many times before the system collapses,” said Dr. Elaine Porter, a professor of Moral Economics. “This is what happens when empathy is treated as a non-renewable resource and reform is considered optional.”

Porter added that while thoughts and prayers were once effective at making people feel briefly acknowledged, their impact has steadily declined as tragedies continued unchanged.

Americans Asked to Conserve

Until supply chains are restored, citizens are being urged to conserve thoughts and prayers by limiting their use to major events and avoiding unnecessary social media posts beginning with “This breaks my heart.”

“We’re asking Americans to really think before they pray,” Whitfield said. “Do you need to post it? Or can you just scroll, shake your head, and move on like usual?”

At press time, Congress released a joint statement expressing “deep concern,” “heavy hearts,” and “a commitment to exploring all options,” while confirming that no immediate action would be taken.