WASHINGTON, D.C. — The United States has officially renewed its premium war subscription with Iran after allowing a complimentary ceasefire trial to expire, White House officials confirmed Thursday.

WASHINGTON, D.C. —

Foreign policy experts across Washington praised the newly announced Iran peace deal Monday, calling it “a historic breakthrough” and “an essential first step toward establishing the conditions necessary for the next Iran war.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold tribute to 250 years of American independence, Treasury officials confirmed Thursday that the nation may celebrate its semiquincentennial by introducing a commemorative $250 bill and then immediately asking the most underpaid workers in the country to decide whether it is real.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning breakthrough that experts are calling “obvious in hindsight and also obvious beforehand,” leading economists warned Thursday that war may be bad for prices, consumers, supply chains, fuel costs, grocery bills, household budgets, global stability, and nearly everyone directly or indirectly involved.

WASHINGTON / TEHRAN — Negotiations to end the rapidly escalating conflict between the United States and Iran reportedly entered a promising new phase Tuesday after both sides confirmed they were still committed to peace, provided they could continue exchanging carefully calibrated explosions between diplomatic statements.

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